i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
