The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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