I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
