I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Randomize
