I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
