tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
