Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
