I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
