The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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