I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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