It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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