OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize