when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
