we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
