you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
