im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
