My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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