You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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