Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
