I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
