I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
