Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
