Where did you get a picture of my penis
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
