sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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