I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
