why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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