I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
