That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
