I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
