im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
