omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
