if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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