then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
