my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
