69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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