forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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