He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I can't put those talents on a resume
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
