my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
