A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
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I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
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Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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