Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
