Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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