Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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