So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
His nipple licking is glorious
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