There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I will die if light touches me.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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