literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
