I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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