I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
