You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
