Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
