good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
