Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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