The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
