I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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