FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
