My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
