Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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