You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
