Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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