wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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