Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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