Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
