Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
