About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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