yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
