a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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