remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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